


I Nearly Lost You Without Saying Goodbye

by bakerblake



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, F/M, Ghosts, Supernatural - Freeform, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 10:54:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6902941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakerblake/pseuds/bakerblake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke listened to her own heartbeat. She wished she could hear Bellamy's heart beating, too. She wanted to see his freckles, she wanted that more than anything.<br/>"Everyone I love dies, Bellamy. How can I be happy when I lose everyone I care about?"</p><p>Basically, this is just dead people contacting their grieving loved ones. Also, everyone in Arkadia has a phone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Nearly Lost You Without Saying Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after ep12 so everything that happens in the finale won't match obviously.  
> I sincerely apologize for any mistakes and hope you can still read the whole thing.

At least Alie was defeated.

At least there was no more war.

At least they had made peace with the grounders.

At least she was still alive.

At least her mother was okay.

At least...

Clarke kept a list of reasons why life was still good and worth living. Then she repeated those reasons over and over again in her head, trying to make herself believe them. The war was over, yes, and Alie was gone for good. Her mother was fine, thank god. Clarke herself was still alive and, honestly, that was huge.

But the price for peace had been huge, too. People died. Her people, her friends. Clarke had to shake her head to get their images out of her mind.

So here she was, by herself, eating breakfast with the other Skaikru survivors in Arkadia.

Jasper was sitting across the room, eating alone, too. He looked absolutely miserable. If Jasper had thought losing Maya was bad, it definitely wasn't anything compared to losing his best friend. After Maya's death Jasper started drinking, he acted violently and pushed away the people he loved the most. Now... he didn't do anything. He was like a ghost, silently floating through each day. Most of the time he seemed to be lost in some private universe of his own. He didn't speak to anyone anymore, not Clarke, not even Octavia. His body moved but his eyes looked dead.

Something horrible pinched Clarke's stomach. She tried not to stare at Jasper because it was painful. It was better to just stare at her food.

Clarke checked the time from her new phone. To make contacting each other easier, Arkadia had created these devices that resembled the old cell phones from before ”the nuclear war”. The phones were extremely useful even if the only thing you could do with those things was to send messages and make calls.

But every time Clarke looked at her phone, she could only think of Raven. Raven and her brilliant mind. Clarke had no doubt that the mechanic would have created something ten times better than these ”phones”.

Suddenly a frustrated scream filled the room and Raven's voice and soft smile disappeared from Clarke's head. Clarke was quickly on her feet, running to Octavia, who was staring at her phone, clearly very upset. Lincoln was at her side, comforting her.

”What is it?” Clarke asked once she got to their table.

”Someone's been messaging Octavia the whole day”, Lincoln told her. ”Except that it says there's no number which cannot be right. Doesn't everyone in Arkadia have a phone and a number?”

Clarke nodded. ”That's odd.”

”You don't say”, Octavia said while rolling her eyes. She looked irritated. ”Also, the only thing they send me is 'O'. At first I thought it was just some annoying kid, but then I started thinking... It's a capital O... So I thought maybe it's supposed to be my name. But no one calls me O other than...”

A heavy silence followed Octavia's words. Clarke had to shake her head yet again to get Bellamy's blood stained image out of her mind.

”Have you tried answering?” she asked quietly.

”I _refuse_ to give this asshole the satisfaction of actually giving them attention.”

Clarke had to close her eyes. Give the asshole attention? You just screamed so loudly I'm sure every sky person heard you. If this asshole kid exists I'm pretty sure they know that you have seen the messages by now.

Clarke sighed. ”Can I take a look?”

Octavia handed the phone to her. The number of _o_ s was massive indeed. Clarke looked at Octavia and bit her lip. She hesitated for a second, but wrote the mystery sender a message back.

  
Octavia

_Who's this?_

 

”Hey!” Octavia yelled, angry. She grabbed the phone back from Clarke. ”I told you not to send anything!”

Her phone beeped.

 

No number

_O?_

 

Octavia groaned. ”Great. They just added a question mark at the end.”

 

No number

 _O?_  
O?  
O?

 

Octavia started to lose her temper.

 

Octavia

_Stop messaging me or i swear to god i will hunt you down_

 

No number

_O?_

_O?_  
O?  
O?

_O?_

_O?_

_O?_

 

Octavia  
_I SAID STOP_

 

”I said stop!” Octavia screamed out loud. She squeezed the phone in her hands tightly. It looked like she was close to losing her mind. No one was sure whether she would try to kill someone next or burst into tears.

Clarke put her hand on the younger girl's shoulder. ”Let me”, she said gently. Octavia looked unsure.

”We'll figure out what is happening. I won't let anyone harass you like this. We need to know who it is”, Clarke explained. Octavia sighed dramatically and gave her phone to Clarke.

Clarke typed a new message.  
  


No number

_O?_

_O?_

_O?_

 

Octavia

_This is Octavia._

 

Nothing happened for 10 seconds.

 

No number

_O._

_How have you been?_

_Are you okay?_

 

Clarke gave the phone back to Octavia's trembling hands.

 

Octavia

_Who's this?_

 

No number

_Huh?_

_It's me, O_

_It's me_

_It's me_

_It's me_

_Bellamy_

 

Octavia threw her phone across the room and it broke.

 

-/-/-/-

 

”Clarke, Clarke!”

Clarke woke from her thoughts and turned around. Jasper was running towards her, waving his hands like crazy. Clarke's eyes widened because _had Jasper just spoken to her?_ Then she noticed the phone in his hands.

 _This can't be good_ , Clarke thought. Even though it was good to hear Jasper's voice for the first time in forever, she had to prepare herself for more ghosts.

”Clarke, please, help!” The boy's eyes seemed to be full of fear.

Clarke put her calm mum mode on. ”Jasper, take it easy. What's wrong?”

”Please, help”, Jasper repeated. Finally Clarke noticed the tears in his eyes.

”Bring him back.”

” _What?_ ”

Jasper wiped a tear off his cheek. ”H-he just stopped. He won't answer me anymore. Clarke, please, just bring him back”, he mumbled and gave his phone to Clarke.

Clarke frowned. ”Who was it?” she asked as she scrolled back to the start of the conversation. It was another 'no number'.

”A-at first I thought it was the Bellamy imposter that bothered Octavia this morning, but I was wrong, it was Monty, it was-” Jasper's voice cracked and Clarke felt something painful in her chest. She watched frozen in place as Jasper sat down on the floor and started crying, hard.

Clarke felt like it was her fault. Jasper's tears were her fault. Monty's death was her fault. Everything was always her fault.  
Clarke tore her eyes off her crying friend and read the conversation between Jasper and ”Monty”.

 

No number

_Hey, remember to wash your socks_

 

Jasper

_???_

 

No number

_Just reminding you_

 

Jasper

_wtf_

 

No number

_Your socks must smell this is not a joke you have to wash them_

 

Jasper

_who are you??_

 

No number

_What do you mean who?_

 

Jasper

_uh bellamy...?_

 

No number

_BELLAMY?_

_What the hell jasper_

_Are you okay? Maybe you should go see Abby_

 

Jasper

_mind telling me who this is then?_

 

No number

_Monty._

_Have you hurt your head or something?_

 

Jasper

_you are NOT monty_

_leave me alone_

 

Clarke's reading was interrupted by Jasper's voice.

”It was Monty, I swear”, he said between sobs. ”He knew things. Things that happened on the Ark when we were younger. He knew secrets I've never told anyone else but Monty. It was Monty but he's...”

Clarke didn't know what to say or what to think. It couldn't have been Monty. That would be impossible.

Clarke scrolled down to see the end of the conversation.

 

No number

_You are my best friend you know that right?_

_No one goes before you ok?_

_You know that i love you dont you?_

 

Jasper

_yeah yeah i know_

_and same here, no ones more important than you_

 

No number

_Really?_

_Does that mean you forgive me?_

 

Jasper

_um forgive you for what_

 

No number

_Everything..._

 

Jasper

_monty you have no reason to apologize_

_I'M the one who should_

_ive done so many shitty things and hurt you and caused you trouble and..._

_and now your gone..._

  
No number

_*you're_

 

Jasper

_it has been so hard without you..._

_oh my god monty who cares??_

_im trying to apologize here dude_

_oh, please tell me youre contacting me because theres a way to get you back and you need my help?!_

 

No number

_I don't think that's how life and death work jasper..._

_But wait_

_So you don't hate me?_

 

Jasper

_are you serious???_

_i could never hate you_

_dont think even for a second that i hate you_

 

No number

_Oh that's good_

_What a relief..._

 

Jasper

_i miss you_

_monty?_

_monty hellooo earth to monty_

_monty???_

_please please say something_

_monty please..._

 

After that the texts stopped. Clarke gulped, guilt rising inside. Monty was gone.

Slowly she moved to sit next to Jasper. Listening to his cries started to feel heavy, she had to try something to fix this.

”What was the last thing you said to Monty before he passed away?” she asked gently.

Jasper turned to stare at the wall behind Clarke. He looked offended that his crying session had been interrupted.

”I... I don't even know. First I was angry and then he was angry, or upset, or sad, I don't know, and then we didn't talk to each other for weeks and... I have no idea what my last words to him were. Probably something terrible. I was an asshole, Clarke. I didn't even get to say goodbye, I didn't get to hug him.”

Clarke quickly moved to hug her friend. Jasper hugged her back tightly and cried some more.

”Jasper, listen”, Clarke started firmly. ”Your last words to Monty were 'don't think even for a second that I hate you'. That is not terrible. He... He contacted you to hear those words, he _needed_ to hear them from you. It meant a lot to him. Those words were the best goodbye he could have ever wanted.”

Jasper said nothing.

Clarke sighed. ”You are not a terrible person. Please, start speaking again.”

”Is this you trying to be the mum friend, telling me I'm good and important?” Jasper finally opened his mouth.

”Yeah”, Clarke whispered back. ”Is it working?”

”To be honest... Monty would be so much better at comforting than you”, Jasper said and managed to laugh. It was an actual, genuine laugh. The boy's eyes were red and swollen, but there was a small smile on his face. Clarke smiled back sadly.

”I'm sure he would.”

 

-/-/-/-

 

Clarke spent the rest of the day in her room watching over her phone. Waiting. Hoping. Wondering if she had gone mad. So when her phone made the beep sound to inform she had a message Clarke rushed to read it. She knew who it would be.

Before she got to write anything back, her phone beeped again.

 

No number

_Clarke_

_Clarke_

 

Clarke

_Bellamy._

 

Clarke held her breath.

 

No number

_Clarke._

 

Clarke closed her eyes, a small smile forming on her lips. There was a funny feeling tickling in her stomach.

It was him. It was Bellamy.

Clarke felt strangely relieved.

 

Clarke

_You ok?_

_Or is that an awful question considering you're..._

 

No number

_I'm fine. I think. It's really warm in here._

 

Clarke frowned.

 

Clarke

_Where are you exactly?_

 

No number

_Uh..._

_I don't know. But it's warm. And nice. I'm doing okay._

 

Clarke

_I'm happy to hear that._

 

No number

_What about you?_

 

Clarke

_Been better._

 

Clarke hesitated her next words.

 

Clarke

_Can you call me?_

 

No number

_Call you?_

_I don't know_

_I don't think I can_

_Why?_

 

Clarke

_I would just really want to hear your voice again that's all_

 

Just like that the relief she had felt was gone. Gone like Bellamy's voice. Gone forever like Bellamy himself.

Clarke's phone beeped once again.

 

No number

_O._

_I need to talk to O_

_Clarke i need to talk to O_

_I need to talk to O_

 

Clarke

_Alright, alright, i'll take my phone to her_

 

-/-/-/-

 

”I said no. I have no interest in knowing what that thing has to say.”

”Octavia”, Clarke tried for the tenth time. ”What if it really is Bellamy? What if this is your last chance to ever talk to him again?”

”It is _not_ Bellamy”, Octavia said through gritted teeth. ”You can't actually believe this crap.”

Clarke closed her mouth. The phone in her hands felt strangely heavy.

Octavia looked shocked.

”You really believe that that's...” she stopped and let out a small laugh that was filled with sadness. She shook her head.

”My brother is dead, Clarke. Dead people don't talk, they don't contact their loved ones, they don't do anything!”

Clarke flinched. Octavia was almost too good at making people feel bad. But Clarke wasn't giving up.

She sighed and wrote a message to Bellamy.

 

Clarke

_Yeah it's Octavia._

 

No number

_O?_

 

”Try it. I promised him you'd talk to him”, Clarke said and offered her phone. ”Please.”

Octavia gave Clarke a murderous look before grabbing the phone.

 

Clarke

_What do you want?_

 

No number

_O?_

_I just want to know if you're safe_

 

Clarke

_Why do you care_

 

No number

_Seriously?_

_That's the stupidest question i've ever heard_

_I'm your brother_

_I've taken care of you since the moment you were born_

_You are the most important person in my life_

_Of course I care_

 

Clarke

_Go float yourself_

 

No number

_You don't... You don't believe it's me?_

_O I can prove it_

_O I can prove it_

_O I can prove it_

_O I can prove it_

 

Clarke watched Octavia roll her eyes.

 

Clarke

_Fine tell me something only my brother would know_

 

No number

_Ok remember when i used to read the odyssey to you every day?_

_When we were on the ark_

 

Clarke

_Yes_

_But considering that basically everyone here knows that bell and i love everything mythology related_

_that's not very creative_

 

No number

_Ok maybe not_

_But do you remember when the book went missing?_

 

Octavia turned to look at Clarke. Clarke gave the younger girl a couraging nod.

 

Clarke

_Go on._

 

No number

_You were around 7 years old_

_Maybe 8_

_The book went missing and I looked for it for days but it was nowhere to be found_

_We were both quite miserable_

_Until one day when I came home from school I found you crying on my bed_

_holding the odyssey tight_

_You told me that you had written ”this book belongs to octavia and bellamy blake” on the book cover_

_You had just recently learnt how to write_

_But you had felt guilty so you hid the book, you never told me where_

_You said you were afraid i'd be mad_

_But I wasn't_

_I was just really proud of you_

_You had written it flawlessly_

_No mistakes_

_Unfortunately when we showed mother your work she made us rip the whole cover off and throw it out_

_We couldn't take the risk that someone would see the book and ask about octavia blake_

_Believe me now?_

 

Octavia covered her mouth with her hand. A single tear rolled down her cheek. Clarke was quite sure she heard the girl whisper her brother's name.

 

No number

_O?_

_Do you believe it's me?_

_O?_

 

Clarke left the room to give the siblings some privacy.

 

-/-/-/-

 

It took about an hour until there was a knock on Clarke's door. Octavia came to return the blonde's phone. Octavia avoided eye contact but Clarke could see that she had been crying.

Octavia sniffed. ”He's all yours.” After that she left the room.

Clarke checked her phone and saw that she had 4 messages from Bellamy already. Clarke could feel herself smile.

 

No number

_Clarke?_

_Clarke?  
Clarke?_

_Clarke?_

 

Clarke

_Still here, Bellamy_

 

No number

_Hi._

_I didn't contact you just so I could talk to Octavia_

_I need to tell you something_

_Something I didn't get to tell you when I was... there._

 

Clarke

_Yeah?_

_What is it?_

 

No number

_I might have fallen in love with you_

 

Suddenly there was no more air left in the room. Clarke felt dizzy. She felt like the whole world was crumbling, the end was near. The real apocalypse.

Then the room started to burn. Fire and flames. Clarke saw red.

 

Clarke

_I hope I read wrong_

_Tell me you're joking_

 

No number

_Why the fuck would I joke about something like that?_

_Hell, it feels strange to say it but I'm kind of stuck in this place right now and I don't think I can move on without saying it_

_I love you Clarke_

_It is a big regret of mine that I never told you this when I was alive_

_It's totally cool if you don't feel the same_

_but I think you deserve to hear it from me_

_I love you_

_god how much I love you_

_Clarke I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you  
I love you_

 

Clarke would be lying if she said the words didn't sting, in a bad way, in a good way. But right now the only thing she could focus on was her anger.

 

Clarke

_No._

_No, you don't get to tell me something like that after you've died._

_You don't get to tell me something like that and assume my life will just keep going the same._

 

No number

_I didn't say it to make you feel bad_

_or to ruin your life_

…

 

Clarke

_You left me bellamy_

 

No number

_I didn't have a choice, Clarke._

 

Clarke

_No stop let me finish_

_You left me alone to take care of the rest of the 100_

_and I'm doing a shitty job if i'm honest_

_I mean you should see jasper_

_He doesn't talk anymore_

_You're not here bellamy and I'm just_

_fucked up_

_i guess_

_Do you have any idea how hard it has been without you?_

 

No number

_Clarke i'm sorry_

 

Clarke

_Well everything just fucking sucks_

_You're dead bellamy_

_DEAD_

 

And suddenly there were tears. Clarke had trouble typing.

 

Clarke

_so, NO, you can't just tell me something like that_

_Don't do that to me_

_Why did you have to do that_

_There's enough pain already_

_I'm trying so hard_

_but it's not enough_

_I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders_

_It's... it's too heavy_

 

No number

_Clarke listen_

_You have to let the others help you ok?_

_O can help you, she loves you a lot even if she doesn't show it_

_Lincoln too_

_And your mum_

_You're not alone_

_You'll never be alone i promise_

_Just let them help, you deserve it_

_What you don't deserve is to feel like the whole world is your responsibility_

 

Clarke took a deep breath.

 

Clarke

_It will still feel lonely without you_

 

No number

_Clarke..._

 

For a few minutes there were no messages. Clarke didn't send anything and neither did Bellamy.

Clarke listened to her own heartbeat. She wished she could hear Bellamy's heart beating, too. She wanted to see his freckles, she wanted that more than anything.

 

No number

_Are you still there?_

 

Clarke

_I am_

 

No number

_You now know that i love you dont you?_

_Don't you?_

_Clarke, it's important_

 

Clarke

_Yeah you made that pretty clear_

 

No number

_Good._

_I also want you to be happy_

_because if someone in this world deserves to feel happiness it's you_

_ok?_

 

Clarke bit her lip.

 

No number

_ok?_

_ok?_

_Clarke?_

 

Clarke

_But you're dead_

_Everyone I love dies bellamy_

_How can I be happy when I lose everyone I care about?_

 

No number

_You haven't lost everyone clarke_

_Your mum,_

_O,_

_Harper,_

_Miller,_

 

Clarke

_It's only a matter of time before I get them killed too_

 

No number

_You didn't get me killed clarke_

_Don't you dare blame yourself for my death_

_It wasn't your fault_

_Nothing is your fault_

 

Clarke

_You sure about that_

 

No number

_I'm serious._

_Remember what you said to me after we got alie out of ravens head?_

_That maybe there are no good guys._

_You have no idea who much those words meant to me_

_Especially because those words came from YOU_

_I believed you, I believed your words_

_Now I need you to believe me when I say that you're doing your best and IT IS enough_

_Love is not weakness clarke_

_Caring is not weakness_

_This world would be a mess without love_

_We would all be dead if we didn't care about each other_

 

Clarke didn't want to cry, but she couldn't help it. Her vision was blurry, the phone screen full of teardrops. She forced herself to smile as if Bellamy could see her.

 

Clarke

_Thank you bellamy_

 

No number

_No, thank YOU clarke_

_You made my time on the ground a lot more meaningful than you can ever imagine_

_May we meet again_

 

Clarke

_Wait bellamy_

_Don't leave_

_I need you_

_I said I need you_

_No no no_

_Please tell me you're still there_

_Bellamy..._

_May we meet again._

 

She hoped he had time to read the last message. It was her way of saying she might have fallen in love with him, too.

**Author's Note:**

> I also wrote a scene where Raven contacts Clarke but... I felt like it didn't fit so I deleted it :/  
> I hope my simple English didn't make this awful. English is not my native language (as you can tell) and I mostly wrote this to improve my English skills. If any of you want to correct all of my grammar mistakes I'd be really grateful!! :)  
> So...  
> come at me bro.


End file.
